egypt

     In early dynastic Egypt it was the custom for people to shave off all their body hair: Men, women, children – everyone. Naked shave, head to toe. Think about it, it’s the desert - so damned hot!
     I like the idea. No hair for anyone.
     The Egyptians knew how to run an empire. And I know what you’re thinking: “Wait a minute, what about Cleopatra? And the rest of them with long hair running down to their waists, and what about those guys with long, pointy beards?” I tell you this - Wigs and stick-on beards.
     You think I’m making it up? Do your own research, see who’s right.
     It’s pretty kinky too, if you want to know the truth.
     The barbers had all the luck: They’d fill a room with men and women, get them in their birthday suits and lather them, top to bottom, with shaving cream. There’s something you don’t get on cable!
     And they didn’t wear much either. Some flimsy, diaphanous cloth wrapped around the body once and that was that. It makes you wonder how they got anything done. Who’s got time to build a pyramid when everyone’s running around shaved and naked?
     It sounds good.
     Of course they did some human sacrificing, buried a few people alive, chopped up the dead and hid their body parts all over the place. Little things that might make you clench your teeth a bit, but hell, there’s a price to pay for paradise, right?
     Sure, prayed to dog-gods - serpents, bugs, grass, whatever - suits me fine. If you told me I wouldn’t have to worry about my balding head – that I’d get to run around naked, shaved, a tropical Eden - even-steven with everyone else, I’d pray to a cockroach.
     I would.
     When I tell my friends they get worried. They think I’d sell my soul for a good time. I tell them God would forgive me. I’m going out to buy a cordless razor, we’ll see who knows what.