welcome to the baldie stories blog.

Maybe you're bald, maybe not, maybe you care, likely not; stories here, some funny, some not.

"Baldie Stories 1" now available for purchase - visit amazon Kindle today! click here; Baldie Stories 1
Stories used for publication of Baldie Stories 1 have been removed from this blog.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Line

     That guy, that one standing there with the jowls, the golf clubs, right there next to the subway map - look at that - the short socks and nub-knees; he should be older than I am.
     That woman, with what, what's that? Her niece? Her friends kid? It couldn't be her granddaughter, could it? She needs to be older than me. Right? doesn't she?
     The anchor on the six o'clock news, that guy with the fish-face, cardboard tie, dustbowl-smile; he's older than I am.
     Isn't he?
     Popeye should be older than me. Homer Simpson should be older than me.
     My high-school buddy is a grandfather. He called me up and said, "what's the funniest thing I can tell you? I mean, what would be the one thing, on top of all the other things, the strains, stains, tricky situations, that would give you the biggest laugh of all?"
     I knew right off.
     But my kid's only two. Two! That's about right, that makes sense to me, cause that's about my speed, in light years, in relative terms, in dreamland. It means my pals granddaughter will one day be fair game for my son. Think of that!
     Standing, shivering, swaying over the heads on the F train, I can see the heads, the bumps, the hair, the recessions, the red ears, the crooked noses from above; I can put myself in line, the start and finish line, the big one, bead-to-thread-bead-to-thread, the one we're born into, ride and slide off of: NEXT! NEXT! NEXT! You, baldie, your turn! NEXT! It's a strict arrangement, no cutting ahead, no falling back!
     So how come I feel like I'm racing up the line?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Text Message

     The new text message from an old friend read:
     Skydiving - missed target - way off - hit trees - stuck - upside-down - phone broken - only text, only ur # - need ur help bad -
     The second message a few seconds later read:
     banged head - losing blood - rug fell off, can see it from here - feel inadequate, please - before they find me like this!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

"triple lick"

This story will be available in "Baldie Stories 1", through Kindle.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

mouse in my hair

     It was the mouse, scratching, scritching, making something out of nothing, nothing in the kitchen at three A.M., three oh-five, oh-nine, oh-dear sweet… Something - something about a meeting, very big job, very big money, an architect, nice guy – lots of hair, lots, it grew while you watched… scritching, tick, tick, ticking three oh-what was that? A client, a big deal, a big challenge, a big – head of hair too… what was that? It was the mouse, scratching, scritching, making breakfast in the kitchen, sweating over a hot stove, under a blanket, looking for some sleep at; at three oh – oh – look out, he’s gonna poo! Gonna poo! Get that diaper… the boy’s got a lot of… hair for – what, one and a half? How do I keep that kid alive? How do we keep him smiling, fed, safe, bug-free, lint free, lint-free?
     FOUR am.
     Four oh-look out, it’s falling off the wall – you want that bronzed? Sewn, Buckled, Carved, Carpeted, Spun, Extruded, Dipped, Plated, Wrapped, Ironed, Injection-molded, Breaded, Framed? Linted? I can have it linted for you. If you’d like it linted, at four thirty a….m….
     It’s not him – don’t worry he’s asleep, it’s the mouse; I hear it, scratching, keeping me up, waking me up, every other nightmare, every other worry, every other dealer, owner, buyer – how much if I have it Dyed, Waxed, Drawn, Flocked, Buttoned, Sealed, Hammered, Gilt, and how long will it take, I got a guy in Chelsea who wants it for his hair… Thirty-six thousand square-feet – per floor, that’s a lot of squares, squeeks, scratches, scritching – guy’s got a head on him like a skunk – at…
     Five AM! Ding-a-Ling! Papa! UP! UP! Ding-a-Ling! Baa-Baa! Baa-Baa! Baa-Baa!
     At Five-oh-dear!

Friday, June 4, 2010

congratulations for all the support!

I want to thank my family and friends for all their loving support, my associates and my dead cat for leg up, my agent and my priest for the professional and moral muscle, my community for the annonomouys applause, the state for the financial pat on the back, and the federal government for just doing the right thing, all the time, looking out for me, Mr. Number one - I'm proud to be an American! I'm happy being a family man, and I love doing the right thing every day - it pays well... Thanks for all the comments and notes, it's only been one and a half novels worth of stories, geeze... you shouldn' have!