Baldie Bistro (reloaded)

(this story appears in "Baldie Stories 1 - now on sale in Amazon, in Kindle and Print editions - buy the book today and see all the stories you won't see here!)

“Sir, are you ready to order?”

“Yes, I believe so.”

“You’ve read the specials?”

“I have, thank you.”

“To start?”

“I’ll try the receding hairline with a bad forward-comb. That comes cold?”

“Cold and humble, sir.”

“Fine, fine. And the thinning bald spot with denial and anxiety?”

“We serve it large around the pate or spread.”

“I’d better have it spread, it’s my first time.”

“Very good, sir. Would you care for soup? Today, we have a wonderful chilled ego, first blanched and then beaten. We also have a hearty but amusing seasonal special: early sunburned scalp with bitterness and swearing.”

“That’s a puree?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll skip the soup, thank you.”

“And for your main course?”

“I was thinking about the heavy, overnight hair loss, but that comes with angst and tantrums on the side, doesn’t it?”

“It does, sir. If you’d like your angst on the side, as well…”

“No, no…it’s the tantrums – too delicate. I’m in the mood for something a little more daring.”

“May I recommend the aged, classic balding, with a slow-simmering nervous breakdown?”

“That sounds delicate, as well.”

“Ordinarily, but our chef has it smothered in mortal terror.”

“Does that come with fear and desperation?”

“Yes, sir. Served passive or aggressive.”

“I’ll take it aggressive.”

“Excellent! Will you be having more wine?”

“I think I’ll switch to arsenic.”

“Very appropriate. Would you like that with your main course or early?”

“Is it slow and painful?”

“Very slow, very painful.”

“Perfect! As long as it doesn’t interfere with my fear and desperation, I’ll take it early, thank you.”

“Would you like to leave a last will and testament now, or would you like to wait?”

“Oh, thanks, but I’ve already left one.”

“Very good, sir. Is there anything else I can get for you right now?”

“No, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, sir. Bon appétit!”