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Maybe you're bald, maybe not, maybe you care, likely not; stories here, some funny, some not.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

holiday season

     So, uh, what’d you get for Christmas this year?
     A blow dryer? Or maybe you got a hat, a nice hat? Did Aunt Louise send another grooming kit? Some shampoo? Conditioner? Has she seen you lately?
     Maybe it’s time you sent her a picture - better yet, give her a call! Go for a visit - Head on over there and rap-tap-tap on her door!
     Will she recognize you? How long has it been? She’ll have to look twice to remember who you are. You’ve lost some hair, haven’t you?
     Let her get a good look. Set her straight and next year she might send you something useful like a pair of warm socks!
     Christmas has been surreal for me over the past few years. My family rarely mentions the big, bald head that I wear around to Sunday dinners or holiday get-togethers. I’d expect someone to say something, anything, about the vanishing act on my head - a little honest comment, maybe a little sympathy. I’m not too big for sympathy. I’m just the right size for it. All that quiet about the hair gives me the jitters. It’s as if I’ve got a terrible disease that no one wants to discuss.
     But when Christmas rolls around each year it’s obvious what’s on their minds.
     The tree is trimmed, the eggnog is warm, the turkey’s cooling on the counter and holiday lights are twinkling in the windows. Look! There’s snow just coming down! We’re going to have a white Christmas after all!
     There’s a car pulling into the driveway - and there’s another!
     They’re here, they’re here!
     “Aunt Edna, glad to see you! Oh, such a beautiful gift! Open it now? Well, all right, just for you! It’s beautiful! No, it’s not the same hat as last year – don’t you remember? Last year’s hat had a pink feather! No, you’ve never given me a hat with a white pom-pom! Oh, it must have been Bruno, he gave me a hat with a pom-pom! No, don’t be silly! It’s terrific! Wait! Is that Ralphie? Ralphie! You shouldn’t have! How’s Stella doing with the hump on her back? Oh, thanks – you tell Stella I love the hat! That’s something! Look at it! Fanny! Is that you? Would you look at that, it’s got ear-flaps! How many hats do you see with ear-flaps? Sure, they’re in this year! James, I don’t know what to say, I haven’t seen a hat like this in… Uncle Butts! C’mon over here and let me wipe that tapioca off your chin.., Yes! Of course! A hat is just what I needed! Thanks! No Edna, the orange bowler was from Guido… He couldn’t have known - he was in lock-up for Easter last year. Ah, Betty, my favorite aunt! – Shhhh, don’t say it so loud. Ahhhm, you know, don’t say I said it but you’re the only one who hasn’t bought me a hat this year…, Of course… Yes I understand: apply it to the scalp twice a day – morning and night – exactly what I needed! Hello Georgie! Yep! Throw it on the stack.., Why would I want to return it!? Uncle Charlie, you know Petunia shouldn’t be drinking! Would you get a load of that! It hardly looks like a hat! Throw it right over there… Wait, I’ll get the wheelbarrow! Darla, it was good to see you again, thanks for coming… Now why wouldn’t I need a hat like that! Real squirrel? Uncle Sam, here, let me give you a kick… A helmet? You’re really thinking! Keep an eye on the step on the way out! Jean, watch your cane on the ice!
     Drive safely! Merry Christmas!! Thanks for coming!

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